Archives for "Rachael Ray"

Back on November 17, 2010, we featured Rachael Ray’s Pineapple Wedges as our “ridiculous recipe of the week.” If you’ll recall, it’s a “faboo” little “recipe” that lets us know we can SLICE A PINEAPPLE INTO WEDGES AND EAT IT!

Since then, reviewers have had a field day trolling the Food Network’s website and leaving hilarious reviews. Here are our 10 favorites:

I gave this one star because the recipe does not tell you that the spikes on the outside of the pineapple are a challenge to digest. -iabbervocium

I tried this recipe and I blacked out! The next think I know I’m in a Bankok emergency room missing half my organs! Other than that it was ok. -Monkeyspan

I didn’t have a knife, so I tried smashing the pineapple with a hammer. Now my floor has a big hole in it. Not happy. -countrychickenpie

This recipe has been a closely gaurded secret in my family for generations! How DARE you claim it a your own!?!?! -explodingp

I don’t live anywhere near a beach, river, lake or pond, so a boat would be rather useless. Instead, I made pineapple bicycles and teeny tiny bicycle helmets out of grapes. All my friends at group therapy loved them! pattipoopidoo

I’m so glad that she came up with this recipe. I’ve been using Sandra Lee’s recipe for canned pineapples and I sprained my wrist using the can opener. Thank you Rachel, my wrist has healed thanks to you! -ilovegnomeland

I have never enjoyed pineapple, prior to trying this recipe. Furthermore, while making this delightful dish, I had an epiphany. Perhaps the reason I don’t enjoy bananas is due to my method of preparing them, as well? While I eagerly await a “Sliced Bananas” recipe, I have to warn you, this can get messy. Do not attempt to prepare “Pineapple Wedges” on the couch during the commercial breaks while watching your afternoon soaps, as I did. Also, when Ken found out Marsha’s baby was really Dr. Jones’s and not his father’s after all, it upset me so much that the tears blurred my vision and I ended up in the ER, getting 14 stitches. Also, the carpet is ruined. Other than that, great! -Bitey

Can you serve this with the Late Night Bacon? -nursecindy

Rachel, do you have a recipe for ice cubes you could post? Maybe dumb it down a bit for the home cook? -The Noodle

I hope she posts one on peeling an orange soon. I’ve got one in my fridge I’ve been trying to eat for days. -jake999

This week’s ridiculous recipe needs little introduction. It’s Rachael Ray’s Sorbet Bar, and yes, it’s as bad as you think it is. The “recipe” involves going to the store, purchasing 3 different flavors of sorbet, and … OPENING THEM! And, you don’t even have to scoop the ice cream out. The guests do it themselves!

Thankfully, she reminded us to “set out” an ice cream scoop. Otherwise, the guests might have just started clawing at the packages like rabid animals. Dodged a real bullet there.

Unfortunately, Rach didn’t mention how to actually consume the sorbet once it was in the bowls. Maybe you’re just supposed to tie your hands behind your back and shove your face into the bowl, like Bobby Brady did in that old ice-cream eating episode of the Brady Bunch.

It’s hilarious that there were actually people on the Food Network’s website trolling this recipe back in 2006 (you know, back before Food Network started deleting unflattering 1-star reviews). My favorite is this gem from GooberGack:

Thanks for telling teaching us so much about ice cream. Is there any special technique I should use for opening the pints of sorbet?

Hang in there, Goober. I’m sure there will be a separate, dedicated recipe for that any day now.

(Thanks for the tip, Sarah!)

Recipe fail submitted by Jenn, who asked: “I wonder how long it takes if you don’t have a kitchen and cleaning staff?”

And this just in from today’s episode, spotted by Natalie:

Have you always wanted to know how to “unlock the host in you?” It’s easy! Just invite some people over and follow the “steps” in this Mixed Sorbets “recipe”:

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve always wanted to invite people over but have been too scared to do so. I had always just sort of clawed the sorbet out of the container with my hands, which always left an embarrassing sticky residue as well as early onset frostbite. Now that I know how to “unlock” the inner host in me by using silverware, I’m going to have get-togethers EVERY WEEKEND!

/end sarcasm

Really? Is this what humanity has come to? Needing a celebrity “chef” to enlighten us to the fact that we can (gasp!) spoon multiple store-bought sorbets into a glass? Next week is she going to tell us how to use straws to sip our store-bought milkshakes?

People have been trolling this recipe on Food Network’s website since 2007. Here are some of their funniest comments:

This recipe is absolutely amazing! After all, I never would have thought to put multiple types of sorbet into one glass! Brilliant! -takemehome_7897952

Rachael, thank you sooo much for teaching me how to scoop 3 different kinds of sorbet into a glass. I don’t know what I would do without you! -amyim2712589

genius. the only thing that would make this better is if she drizzled a little bit of EVOO on it. i’d love to know how she comes up with such creative “recipes”! -otterhound018_5

I had difficulty getting the sorbet into the glass. -wms56_6132953

Tasted good, but a little too cold for me. It made my teeth hurt. -aquavibe

Mine looks different from the picture. Mine has three flavors, but the picture has two. Did I do something wrong?! -kektklik

Note to reviewer Ketklik: the problem is that you clearly know how to count to three. Rachael Ray’s recipes are made for people who can only count to two. You’re fine.

(Thanks for the tip, Matt!)

Lots of you have been writing in to let me know the great news… no, not that Ty-Flo finally learned how to spell his full name… but that Rachael Ray’s garbage bowl is back! And it can be yours for just TWENTY DOLLARS!

Look at it! It’s such a thing of majestic beauty, in all its green melamine “made in China” glory. And (and!) it has a nonskid bottom so it won’t just go flying all over the counter while you’re chopping onions and it’s sitting there untouched. Amazing!

Here’s the part Ray Ray and the Food Network are missing: garbage bowls exist on television so the hosts don’t have to keep dipping down out of frame to a garbage can. Here in the real world, we non-celebrity chefs don’t spend $20 on an eighteen cent piece of plastic. We drag our garbage cans over to where we’re working – or (gasp!) grab a bowl we already own to throw away our 4 garlic skins.

And $20? Really? If you’re going to charge people that much cash for a fucking GARBAGE BOWL, at least produce them it in a country that isn’t poisoning people with tainted products. And make it attractive! That thing looks like something the Incredible Hulk threw up after a heavy night of drinking with Anthony Bourdain.

In the spirit of this thing’s pure, unadulterated hideousness, we present to you the TOP 5 THINGS THAT SHOULD BE FOREVER DISPOSED OF IN RACHAEL RAY’S GARBAGE BOWL: