(Note: you can click the titles to go to the actual recipe page on FoodNetwork.com.)

1. DEEP FRIED MAC & CHEESE
Watch in amazement, shock, and probable disgust as Paula Deen wraps mac & cheese in bacon, deep fries it to a golden brown, and eats it before your very eyes. According to an FNH reader named Hannah, “I swear to God, only a southern woman could survive that mouthful of heart attack on a stick.”
.

So there you have it! Have you tried any of Paula’s overly indulgent recipes? Let us know in the comments. And by the way, if you eat them on a regular basis, THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY YOU’RE FAT.

Related posts:

1. Paula Deen’s Deep Fried Stuffing on a Stick: Grossest Thanksgiving Food Ever?
2. New Paula Deen Ad On YouTube
3. Paula Deen Has Her Own Line Of Mac and Cheese

All these political debates on TV have got me thinking. What would happen if Paula Deen was President?

IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… The Star Spangled Banner would have to be sung: “Oh say can y’all see…”

IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… Mrs. Butterworth would be named the new White House Chief Of Staff.

IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… The US Marines would be taught the fine arts of combat, stealth, and making gravy from pan drippings.

IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… Meatballs would be considered legal tender.

IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… Paula Deen signature mattresses in every room of the White House.

IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT…New Starbucks sizes: Tall, Grande, Venti, DEEN.

IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… The Rose Garden would be made entirely of bacon.

IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT…Every mixing bowl would come with a box of hot Krispy Kreme donuts.

IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT…Jamie and Bobby would have their faces added to Mount Rushmore.

IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT…Air Force One would be painted to look like a fudgsicle.

What do you think would happen if Paula Deen was president?

Related posts:

1. If Rachael Ray Were President…
2. Paula Deen Getting Her Own Line Of Serta Mattresses
3. Paula Deen Named Grand Marshal Of 2011 Rose Parade

Last week, rumors started recirculating that Paula Deen had Type 2 diabetes, and that she was going to be teaming up with a drug company to promote their diabetes drug.

I didn’t post the gossip here on FNH.  I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I actually said to myself: “There is no way Paula Deen would do this. Surely even she must have her limits. Some morals. Some basic decency.”

I WAS WRONG.

In a Today Show interview thismorning, Paula Deen announced she’s had diabetes for years. She said she’s also teaming up with Novo Nordisk to promote their drug.

Paula Deen’s got her name on everything from cookware and hams to eyeglasses and mattresses, but this is ridiculous. To get rich promoting fried butter balls and Krispy Kreme donut burgers – and to continue doing so knowing you have diabetes – and then to get even richer promoting a diabetes drug – is a new low, even for the Deens.

Paula’s spent the morning giving quotes about the benefits of exercising, and posting “lighter” recipes on her Twitter page. Seriously? If Paula Deen thinks she can build an empire on fat people – and then simply snap a finger and try positioning herself as an authority on “lighter food”, girlfriend has another thing coming. She should use some of her money to buy herself a clue.

My phone and email inbox have been blowing up all morning with media outlets searching for quotes. I haven’t said anything to anyone.

For those of you looking for a quote, here’s one you can print:

In the future, when you ask me why I’m so cynical and jaded about the Food Network and celebrities in general, the answer is: “it’s shit like this.”

Related posts:

1. Paula Deen On The View
2. Woman’s World Invites Us To “Party Like Paula Deen”
3. New Paula Deen Ad On YouTube

Well, it’s happened. PR people have started reaching out, begging food writers and bloggers to cover Bobby Deen’s new Cooking Channel show, Not My Mama’s Meals. According to his publicist: “Each week on Not My Mama’s Meals, Bobby Deen will recreate some of his mother’s famous meals with healthy substitutions that cut down on calories and fat, but still deliver on taste.”  The show premieres on January 4th.

Maybe not his mama’s meals, but his mama’s coattails, for sure.

Related posts:

1. Food Network YO MAMA Jokes
2. Ridiculous eBay Auction Alert: $4,000 Paula Deen Painting
3. Paula Deen Getting A Talk Show With KATE GOSSELIN?!

During a recent shopping excursion to Walmart – and by excursion I mean a series of brilliant tactical manoeuvres to avoid the wall of eight listless Mexicans in the ill-fitting, food stained Hello Kitty t-shirt and worn out slippers meandering slowly abreast and pushing one cart with a case of Tecate – I happened to make a break for safety through their newly re-modelled and irritatingly relocated housewares section where, to my chagrin, I noticed a series of Paula Deen signature products.

I’m not typically enamoured with such pricey novelties and ‘Celebrity Chef’ style gear no matter how smooth and round Giada’s hefty stockpots are, but it is nice to know even the small people with Walmart-centric subsistence level income lifestyles such as myself can enjoy a lesser quality representation of the opulent post-prison Martha Stewart empire by getting doily cutters for $14.88 after price rollbacks. So, despite the fact that Miss Paula was smiling her best chemically enhanced 3D White Strips smile at me from the glossy wrapper of a French Rolling Pin and offering up a friendly ‘Hey Y’all!’, I was perfectly inclined to continue on my way, undeterred, when part of the fine print caught my attention:

‘Manufactured in Thailand.’

And it occurred to me what an absolutely brilliant and cunning plan this was. My admittedly limited exposure to Paula Deen is, of course, entirely self-inflicted. I’ve heard Y’all more times in 9 minutes of Paula’s Home Cooking With Heaping Great Wads of Butter than I ever did in 9 years of The Beverly Hillbillies and the department store Santa guy she’s married to creeps me out more than Ina Garten’s subservient houseboy Jeffrey, so I tend to avoid her at all costs. But I never would have thought that our jovial and portly Miss Paula could be so ruthless.

Granted she could have provided limited manufacturing jobs for a small fraction of the 14 million people in this country desperate for work, but clearly Paula’s vision is far more global in its scope and much more devious in its design. The fact is, anyone can make a stick. Stick-making technology has existed for some 22 million years, in all likelihood starting with the Proconsulids during the Miocene, and remained a robust and flourishing technology down through the period of Homo Erectus and into the era of Archaic Homo Sapiens. Even as recently as twenty-thousand years ago, regardless of their ability to more efficiently bang stuff with a rock, the various anatomical moderns toughing it out in the cold caves of France still found the basic stick a practical and effective tool (as evidenced in the artwork of Lascaux, for example).

So it stands to reason that the small band of resident Parisii Celtic tribes huddled along the Seine would one day further hone the essential stick into a world-renown and classic tool for rolling and shaping fluffy bits of sugary dough and eventually open a series of nice pâtisseries when they weren’t busily hacking away at the invading Roman army.

But Paula Deen’s cunning plan obviously isn’t just about creating a properly tapered 18-inch stick.

This sarcous Savannahan… Savannite… Sav – Georgian understands that Thailand is a rapidly-emerging, newly industrialised country with approximately two-thirds of its more than $600 billion GDP coming from exports and the remainder from tourism, prostitution, and the sex trade. They also make some cars. But mostly the rest is sex. This makes the country not only a major contender in the global marketplace but one of the fastest-growing economies in Southeast Asia. For the exports, not the sex. But Paula is also very clearly aware that the same total factor productivity to investment capital weakness that touched off the Asian Financial Crisis of the late 90s is still an exploitable reality.

With very nearly half of Thailand engaged in agriculture, Paula realises that through a simple matter of subterfuge, she can convince them to satiate the American need for a good stick at a bargain price and thereby incrementally lay waste to the lush forests of the Chao Phraya river valley one native Gaharu tree at a time. Through the cumulative effect of this methodical deforestation, the available biomass which typically supplies, cleanses, and rejuvenates the earth through nutritional cycling processes of decomposition and decay will slowly be depleted and eventually rob the topsoil of valuable nutrients. And without the trees to shield the earth from excess heat, absorb vital water stores and to act as carbon sinks, the already oppressive tropical heat will go unchecked and soon the once arable and abundant lands will be completely desiccated. Erosion will then expose the anaerobic and nutritionally poor substrate and the country will rapidly become a heat island no longer able to support rice production – its primary export.

With millions of farmers out of work and the barren, uncultivable landmass unable to sustain essential crops, enormous pressure will come to bear on the financial sector and escalate an already unsustainable increase in domestic spending. As the baht is strained, encouraging even more need for exports and pushing the fragile economy further into a dangerous imbalance, nervous foreign investors will pull their support, interest rates will skyrocket and Thailand will collapse. As an anchor economy in the region, when Thailand goes, so too will much of Southeast Asia.

Obviously Paula is counting on the fact that the largely Buddhist population will not likely fight back – because these aren’t the Shaolin Mahayana Buddhists who would drop you like a pair of moistened panties at a Phuket brothel if they were given the chance – and she feels confident that she can crush them like a tiny bug beneath the heels of her Gabriella Rocha’s and laugh and eat butter the entire time.

It truly is a brilliant strategy. I still won’t buy the stick, of course, but the plan itself is really very cunning indeed.

Related posts:

1. FOOD FIGHT: Anthony Bourdain vs Paula Deen
2. Ridiculous Food Network Product Of The Week: Paula Deen Hey Y’All Brooch
3. Why, Paula Deen, Why!