[Ed. note: Top Chef Bastards is a fictional Top Chef parody, created and written by theminx of MinxEats.com.]

Cue theme music! Roll opening credits! It’s Top Chef Bastards: Part I!
Starring:

Welcome to the first episode of Top Chef Bastards, a competition in which any loser with a television show on the Food Network can demonstrate to the world that he or she really can cook – or not – while competing for a cash donation to the charity of their choice, plus a lifetime supply of GLAD® Force-Flex® and OdorShield® Trash Bags in the yummy “Fresh Vanilla” scent.

This week, four competitors meet in the Top Chef Bastards Glad GE Swanson Quaker Oats Macy’s Product Placement Kitchen: Rachael Ray, Guy Fieri, Sandra Lee, and Rocco DiSpirito.

Guy is one excited dude, ready to slather hot sauce on everything in sight.

Rocco, on the other hand, isn’t exactly thrilled. He thought he’d at least be competing against actual chef-type people like Tyler Florence or Bobby Flay.

Rather than dwell on the fact that he’s facing a bunch of current Food Network schlubs, Rocco decides he actually has an advantage. Because he’s facing a bunch of current Food Network schlubs.

And what’s a reality show without some pure evil to liven things up?

Rocco suddenly remembers that Bourdain doesn’t even see him as a chef anymore. Damn! He might have to dance his way out of this competition. Or not.

Whatevs. On to the always exciting…

The dish must be gum-able, and does not need to have any discernible flavor. Additionally, each dish must utilize one of the following ingredients, plus any other pantry items except salt: prunes, apple sauce, Jell-O, graham crackers, boneless skinless chicken breast, and toast.

The knife block makes an appearance and the chefs draw to determine who chooses what.

After Guy picks the prunes, Sandra Lee chooses the Jell-O and finally Rachael goes for the graham crackers. The time is set for 20 minutes and the cheftestants cooktestants competitors get started.

The contestants stumble around dazed for a few minutes, wondering how to put together a dish without a script or a teleprompter. Before they know it….Time’s up! Utensils down! And poor Bourdain must ingest the fruits of their labor.

Not surprisingly, the dish with the highest alcohol content is the one Bourdain likes best.

That’s right: get ‘em drunk so they couldn’t care less about what they stick in their mouths.

As winner of the Short Cut Challenge, Sandy gets an advantage in the next challenge. Or does she?

Coming Soon: Part II – Painful Eliminations of the Day. STAY TUNED!

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