Diet Coke with lemon – didn’t that used to be called Pledge?
Jay Leno

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Alfred E. Newman

The woman just ahead of you at the supermarket checkout has all the delectable groceries you didn’t even know they carried.
Mignon McLaughlin

Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.
Sam Levenson

Vegetarian: an old Indian word for bad hunter
Author unknown

It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate – you know someone’s fingers have been all over it.
Julia Child

In Mexico, we have a word for sushi: bait.
José Simons

I’m not sure what makes pepperoni so good – if it’s the pepper or the oni.
Ulrik Stephens

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.
P. J. O’Rourke

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.
Totie Fields

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.
Rita Rudner

I love Thanksgiving turkey…it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
George Carlin

Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can’t believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I’m still hungry.
Mike Kalin

I’ll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a moustache.
Niles Crane, Frasier

Fun-sized Snickers? Who’s this fun for? Not me. I need six or seven of these babies in a row to start having fun.
Jeff Carlin

I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
W.C. Fields

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.
Jay Leno

The two biggest sellers in bookstores are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it.
Andy Rooney

The only two things I don’t eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner.
Author unknown

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Mander

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.
Julia Child

Pepperidge Farm bread… that’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
Mitch Hedberg

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