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The Ten Commandments Of Paula Deen
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Come, my dear children, and pray at the church of southern overindulgence, for we now bestow upon you the Ten Commandments of Paula Deen.
I. Thou shalt mention butter at least four times per dish made, even when said dish does not require butter.
II. Thou shalt cackle at least 20 times per show, louder when making a sexual double entendre.
III. Thou shalt mention one’s inarticulate sea captain husband MICHAEL in every episode.
IV. Thou shalt always wear too many bracelets and rings, including the creepy one on the thumb.
V. Thou shalt never remove jewelry even when kneading biscuit dough, as audience may forget one is now rich.
VI. Thou shalt have your offspring BOBBY and JAMIE only call you “mama” when they gravy train on your show.
VII. Thou shalt remind viewers constantly of one’s southern roots by overdoing one’s accent and incorporating “Ya’ll” as often as possible.
VIII. Thou shalt always be proud of the unhealthy qualities of one’s recipes, flaunting heart attacks as if they were trips to Dollywood.
IX. Thou shalt always take over-sized bites of everything cooked, talking with one’s mouth full, and making sure to smear desserts on one’s face.
X. Thou shalt acknowledge one’s dogs when they wander into a shot, but secretly want to know why “the help” lost control of them.
XI. Bonus: Thou shalt act like B-list celebrities on one’s Party show are like the second coming of Jesus. “Hey Ya’ll, look who’s here on Staying Alive night…FRANK STALLONE!!!”
Be sure to add your Paula Commandments in the comments section!
(Editor’s note: These commandments were written by guest blogger DerekLutz. If you have an idea for a post on Food Network Humor, drop us an email!)
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---The Ten Commandments Of Giada De Laurentiis---The Ten Commandments Of Money Saving Meals
---The Ten Commandments Of Ina Garten
---Get Ready, Y’all: Paula Deen Baked Goods Coming To A Wal-Mart Near You
---How Many People Does It Take To Make A Paula Deen Commercial?
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23 Responses
Nice job Derek – these are friggin hysterical. Flaunting heart attacks like trips to Dollywood…. HA.
Good call! She always does hype up the C and D list celebrities on Paula’s Party! What’s wrong Paula? Was Brad Pitt too busy?
LOL. I always wondered why she never took her bracelets and jewelry off. I think it really IS to constantly remind us all she’s rich.
It’s Y’all… not ya’ll. It’s a contraction of the words you and all. ;)
I love when people work hard and go out of their way to write stuff to make me laugh, and then someone comes along and picks it apart because of a misplaced apostrophe.
GET A LIFE.
Hey, I LOL at what was written too. And, I wasn’t picking it apart. Didn’t you seen the ;) at the end of the post? Geeeze…
Okay. I’ll try again.
GET A LIFE. ;)
@ Jenna -
rabidly reading comments on comedy sites somehow suggests you have a life?
Paula Deen is an out-of-control train wreck. She does more eating than cooking on her show. All those rings are too much and especially the one on her thumb. She should remove them before she paws the food. She always has to be touching the food and tastinig it, even when she has utensils. After touching your mouth, nose, face, hair or scratching – WASH YOUR HANDS! Her show is running its course and should be coming to an end on Food Network soon.
Her show talk is going downhill into the non-family section.
These are great! Love this site.
Thou shalt always carry a packet of wet wipes when riding in the car as no magnolia leaves are onhand to wipe after your Mexican mudslide in your daughter-in-laws driveway.
Thou shalt think I’m just so cute that I can tell a dirty joke or a treal-life story about crapping and my fans will still think I’m a sweet Southern Lady!
That’s supposed to be “real-life”.
Thou shalt brand all Southerners as ignorant dumbo hillbillies and walk around muttering y’all every second sentence.
Love this site. I read it nearly every day. I don’t usually comment on sites, but I have to say something about Paula’s rings. It’s not about reminding people she’s rich now. Many Southern women, usually older ones, wear lots of rings and other jewelry, especially if they originally came from poor circumstances. We also tend to get sentimental about pieces given to us by loved ones, so I don’t find it at all unusual that she doesn’t want to take Michael’s rings off. To publicly not wear jewelry given by a loved one is kind of a slap in the face. That having been said, I really dislike that FN has turned Paula into a caricature of herself.
KittyKitty, I still would guess many southern women take off their rings and other jewelry when cooking, especially using their hands to knead biscuit dough. And the thumb ring is still kind of creepy. Cool when you’re 22, not so cool when you’re 55. I lived in the south for 11 years (AL, GA, SC) and loved the culture, miss it a lot now living it up north again.
Thou shalt make your audience uncomfortable with inappropriate orgasmic facial expressions while tasting artery clogging food.
Thou shalt add at least double the amount of fat in each recipe, especially if said recipe would be healthy if cooked by someone else
Thou shalt add a sprig of mint to all desserts, exclaiming “You need your vegetables!”
Thou shalt treat butter as a way of life.
LOL!! This is such a great list and so very, very true. You know, Ms Deen moved from Albany, GA to Savannah WITH her husband. She was not alone. Don’t buy into her crap.
Smells like a buttery Old Hooker….married to Santa Claus…
Mrs. Clause is a Ho Ho Ho now…Wow. Whats she gonna get him to put up under everyone’s trees? Butter Ya’ll–Check your stockin–check it twice…my skanky old ass makes everything nice!!!
Let’s have one on the Queen of the word AWESOME.
Thou shalt stop sticking your spoon in your mouth and then back in the food you are cooking.