Nowhere is the fact that Paula Deen is desperately trying to create and sell an IMAGE more transparent than in the descriptions of the products she sells. Have Y’ALL ever stopped to read the stories and anecdotes Paula tells about her pots and pans? We have – and some of them are downright ridiculous. Watch out for the same 4 repeated buzzwords: “treasured,” “fun,” “family,” and “memories,” Y’ALL!

1. The Paula Deen Porcelain 1 Quart Pouring Saucepan

Paula’s description: “Pouring through antique shops with my Aunt Peggy is one of my most cherished memories. This line was inspired by the many treasures she and I found on our adventures. My wish is that they are as fun to collect for you as they were for me.”

Our translation: Please. The two of them probably went out shopping once, 25 years ago. And what does antiquing even have to do with this pot? It’s modern!  It has a silicone handle and a nonstick lining for Christ’s sake!

2. The Paula Deen 3 Qt. Stack & Steamer

Paula’s description: “Childhood memories are so important to me. My copper bottom pots and pans remind me of the treasured time I had with my mother. Cooking with friends and family is so much more fun when you have the right tools, and these pans will give you pleasure for years. In fact, I hope you’ll pass them along to loved ones, a time honored tradition in our family.”

Our translation: Again with the memories?! What is she trying to sell, a pot or a new line of Kodak cameras?

And look, she’s recalling another “treasured” moment, but this time it’s with her mother instead of her Aunt Peggy. Ok, Paula, did you write these descriptions with a MAD LIB? Insert person’s name here! Insert activity here!

And if passing cookware down to your loved ones is a time honored tradition in your family, why are you always cooking with new pots and pans? Why not cook with one of the BELOVED, TREASURED pans Aunt Peggy gave to you?

3. Paula Deen 2-Piece Slotted Spoon Set

Paula’s description: “Like a good seasoned skillet, my grandmother’s wooden tools still add that special something to everything I make. I can’t quite put my finger on the magic but no kitchen should be without.”

Our translation: So wait, we’re buying the EXACT wooden spoon Paula’s grandmother used? Because unless we’re mistaken – and I don’t think we are – that is exactly what the description is saying. Wow, that spoon sure does look  amazing for being 170 years old, y’all.

Bottom line: People, if your pasta sauce is so bad that you need to buy into the hype of a “magic spoon” that somehow improves its flavor via the spirit of a TV personality’s dead grandmother, STOP COOKING RIGHT NOW and just go to McDonalds.

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