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NOTE: I wrote this article and originally posted it here on FNH on February 2, 2009. Here we are, almost 3 years later, and the Food Network still has one of the the shittiest websites on the face of the Earth. Every single complaint below is still valid, from the pop-under ads to the auto-start videos.

Dear Food Network,

In case you guys were too busy stocking Guy Fieri’s dressing room with Axe Body Spray to notice, YOUR WEBSITE SUCKS. Why did you update it with this rubbish when the old one was just fine? Didn’t you learn anything from Lisa Rinna’s lips? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

Allow me to outline the problems for you:

1. Humongous, obnoxious videos on every page. That start automatically. And play 30-second ads first. Are we being punked? Not everybody has (or can afford) a fast internet connection, you geniuses. Did you guys all order some take-out Chinese and sit around a big round table during a meeting and come up with this great idea? Giggle at your cleverness in between bites of pork fried rice as you decided to piss off and alienate your loyal viewers, all in the name of making a few more bucks for your already full wallets? Way to go!

While the huge, monitor-sized videos are awful, the 30-second commercials that play before the actual content are INTOLERABLE. You know how to get me to NOT buy Truvia or Wheat Thins? By cramming them down my throat on every one of the 85 pages I have to click through while trying to find the recipe for Ina Garten’s buttermilk mashed potatoes.

I’ll take it a step further. As bad as the videos are, as painful as the 30-second commercials can be, the worst part is that the VIDEOS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PAGE I AM ON! Nothing at all! I click on an Anne Burrell  link, and get a video about Food Network challenge. I click on an Alton Brown link, and get a video with Hungry Girl telling me how many calories I burn by eating celery. Like anyone gives a shit! Who built this website? Sandra Lee after an all-night Grey Goose and grapefruit juice binge?

2. ADVERTISING – EVERYWHERE. There’s the ad playing before the video. There’s the ad in the the top right corner. There are ads in the header and the footer. You guys aren’t happy with the $995 billion you made last year, fine. But a NETFLIX POPUNDER AD? Are you serious? That is so pathetic that it borders on laughable. What is this, a Geocities webpage? Popup ads are extremely irritating… sort of like accidentally brushing up against Ina Garten’s prickly,  unshaven leg under the covers in the middle of the night. So come on, get with the times, Food Network. Popunders went out of style, along with Jessica Simpson, back in 2003.

3. PAINFULLY BAD LAYOUT, NAVIGATION, AND DESIGN. There is way too much going on. It’s like a foodie cornmaze from hell, with twists and turns that leave you frustrated and angry. Even a simple recipe search takes a minimum of 6 clicks, 4 shots of whiskey, and 2 Hail Mary’s.

Bottom line: the only thing I can easily find on FoodNetwork.com is a new reason to hate Rachael Ray.

So, here’s to hoping you pull your heads out of your bums, hire some decent chefs, and start calling professional web designers. Hell, take the money from Aaron McCargo’s budget if you have to. No one will even realize it’s missing.

Love and cheesecake,
EVERYONE ON THE EARTH.

Never has there been a CD that makes you want to shake your ass like Get Down And Par-tay! It has all the songs you want, performed by all your favorite Food Network personalities! YEAH BABY! Take a look!

“If You’re A Drunk Ditz and You Know It, Clap Your Hands”
Sandra Lee

“There’s Genie In The Bottle With My Extract”
Sandra Lee (A Duet with Christina Aguilera)

“Old McDonald Had A Farm, And Then My Husband’s Rich Family Bought It”
Pioneer Woman

“Let’s Get It On (Against The Subzero-Wolf)”
The Neelys

“I Just Called To Say Your Hair Is Hideous”
Stevie Wonder, an ode to Guy Fieri

“That’s Amore (The Mozzarellahhhhh/Mascarponeeehh Song)”
Giada De Laurentiis

“I’ve Been Working On The Railroad (To See If I Can Cook A Turkey
Using Only Train Tracks And Rain Water)”
Alton Brown

“This Is What It Sounds Like When Doves Cry
(After Tasting Cookies Made With Applesauce Instead Of Butter)”
Paula Deen

“This Land Is Your Land (But Those Cupcakes Are Mine, K?)”
Anne Thornton

“The Food Coloring Rainbow Connection”
Sandra Lee and Kermit The Frog

“Mary Had A Little Lamb, Which I Slaughtered And Sauteed In Pure Lard”
Paula Deen

“Sittin’ On The Dock Of The Bay, Waitin’ For Jeffrey”
Ina Garten

AND THAT’S NOT ALL!
ACT NOW AND YOU’LL ALSO GET:

“90 Seconds of Squeaking Sounds”
A live recording from the Neely’s bedroom

“Damn It John, I Told You Not To Touch Me There”
A live recording from Rachael Ray and John Cusimano’s bedroom

“Ancient Ebonics”
A live recording from the set of Big Daddy’s Kitchen

“HAHAHAHAHA – Sorry, I Have To Wash My Hair That Night”
A live recording from the bar where Jamie and Bobby Deen try to pick up girls

PLUS 2 MORE!